“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
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If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I don’t think my car can fly
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*