Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
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Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I know this now 😂
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Please do it!
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?