Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My diet starts in January
of 2027
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off