Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
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We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force