I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
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I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Wait a second…
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this