*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
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I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
house sitting!
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
no one ever comes back
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?