ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
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Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
choose your gary
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
#milo
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.