“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
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Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Am I having a stroke?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers