People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Two types of dogs.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.