[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
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her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?