Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
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This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.