[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
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After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
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I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap