My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
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Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.