if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
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And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.