St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
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I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.