I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
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Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Check your privilege
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind