Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
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Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
My dog learned how to text
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*