[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
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I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her