For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
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This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
philosophical skeletons be like
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?