God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
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Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
RT if you could go either way.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.