Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
That’s easy for you to say
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.