Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
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Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
fair
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
These aliens are taking forever.