Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
You Might Also Like
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
doing your own taxes
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.