Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
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I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Okay
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”