I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
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I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I missed you with all my darts
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches