Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
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JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.