just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
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Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.