inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
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My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.