My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
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when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Personal question. #JustSaying
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.