Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
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IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Ron is short for Aaronald
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
this is literally a CIA plant
All excellent questions
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Thursday Thought.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers