me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
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Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
pelicons
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I have no passwords left in me
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.