According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
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I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move