I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
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You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Banking tips
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.