Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
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Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*