Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
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If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.