The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
You Might Also Like
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Roses are red, you always mattered,
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me