so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
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Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.