Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
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Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Just got to our Airbnb!
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Don’t make me out nice you.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP: