I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
You Might Also Like
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya