My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.