hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.