I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
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I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
THIS HEADLINE
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
These are too funny not to post 😂
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?