best first i’ve ever seen
You Might Also Like
what are they serving at kfc then???
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*