[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
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Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
The days of good grammer has went
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock