Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
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I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Always a metermaid never a meter
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.