a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
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my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.