Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
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Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
🤭😂
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!