My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
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Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.