wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
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By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers