Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
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If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall